Life isn’t unfair - it’s your mistaken view of fairness

Until and unless you’re not winning, much of life may seem extremely unfair

The reality is, life follows different rules.

These true rules exist, and they do make sense. I can say they’re somewhat complex and far from comfort, which is why many people struggle to understand them.

Rule #1: Life is like a contest

That company you’re working in? Someone’s aiming to outdo it. That position you cherish? Someone’s eyeing to automate it. That partner, dream job, or prestigious award you desire? There’s competition for it.

We’re all in competition, even if we don’t like to admit it. Most accomplishments only stand out compared to others. You might have swum more miles, danced better, or gained more Facebook likes than average. Well done.

It’s tough to accept this reality, which is why we often reassure each other with the opposite. “Just do your best,” we say. “You’re only competing with yourself.” Ironically, such cliches still push us to strive harder. If competition truly didn’t matter, we wouldn’t encourage struggling children to keep trying.

Thankfully, we live in a world where cooperation often trumps cutthroat competition. Modern civilization provides ample opportunities, and there’s usually enough for everyone, even without direct competition.

But don’t fall for the collective illusion that there’s no competition. People dress to impress potential partners. They interview to secure jobs. If you deny the existence of competition, you’re simply falling behind. Everything in demand is part of a competitive landscape. The best outcomes are reserved for those willing to fight for them.

Rule #2: Your actions, not your thoughts, define you

In society, people are judged based on what they can do for others. Can you rescue children from a burning building, perform surgery to remove a tumor, or make a room full of strangers laugh? That’s where your value lies.

However, we tend to judge ourselves differently. We evaluate ourselves based on our thoughts. How positive and creative i am but where is the action to prove it?

“I’m a good person.” “I’m ambitious.” “I’m better than this.” These thoughts might soothe us, but they don’t necessarily reflect how the world sees us, or even how we see others.

Well-meaning intentions don’t hold much weight. Internal feelings of honor, love, and duty don’t matter much. What truly counts is what you have done and can do for the world.

Skills and abilities aren’t valued for their inherent virtue. The admiration society gives us is often based on the selfish perspectives of others. For instance, a hardworking janitor is typically less rewarded than a ruthless stockbroker, and a cancer researcher is often less rewarded than a supermodel. Why? Because these abilities are rarer and have a greater impact on more people.

We might like to believe that society rewards those who do the best work, but in reality, it’s more like this:

But in truth, social rewards are largely influenced by the network effect. Your rewards are primarily determined by the number of people you impact:

Write an unpublished book, you’re nobody. Write Harry Potter and the world wants to know you. Save a life, you’re a small-town hero, but cure cancer and you’re a legend. Unfortunately, the same rule applies to all talents, even unsavoury ones: get naked for one person and you might just make them smile, get naked for fifty million people and you might just be Kim Kardashian.

You may hate this. It may make you sick. Reality doesn’t care. You’re judged by what you have the ability to do, and the volume of people you can impact. If you don’t accept this, then the judgement of the world will seem very unfair indeed.

Rule #3: Our Notion of Fairness Serves Our Own Interests

People often create a sense of moral authority. That’s why we have referees in sports and judges in courts. We all have a built-in understanding of what’s right and wrong, and we expect things to be fair. Our parents tell us to be good and we’ll be rewarded. Teachers reinforce this idea. “Be good, and you’ll get a treat.”

But the truth is, reality doesn’t care. You might have studied really hard, but still failed the exam. You worked tirelessly, but you didn’t get the promotion. You may deeply care for someone, but they may not return your calls.

The issue isn’t that life treats you unfairly; it’s that your idea of fairness is flawed.

Think about that person you like who doesn’t feel the same way about you. They’re a whole person with their own experiences, different from yours. They interact with many others every year. So, what are the chances that out of all those people, you’d automatically be their top choice for a romantic partner? Just because you exist or have feelings for them? While your feelings matter to you, their decision isn’t about you.

Likewise, we often criticize our bosses, parents, or politicians for being unfair or dumb. They don’t agree with us, so they must be wrong, right? Because obviously, we’re the ultimate authority on everything!

Sure, there are some truly terrible authority figures out there. But not all of them are evil or selfish, just trying to make our lives miserable. Most are simply doing their best, facing different challenges than we do.

Maybe they know things we don’t, like that our company will fail if they don’t make an unpopular decision. Perhaps they prioritize long-term success over short-term happiness.

However they may make us feel, other people’s actions aren’t some cosmic judgment on who we are. They’re just a part of life.

Why Life Isn’t Fair

Our notion of fairness isn’t something we can truly achieve. It’s more like a cover for hopeful wishes.

Just picture how crazy life would be if it were truly “fair” for everyone. Nobody could have a crush on someone who wasn’t their soulmate, out of fear of hurting feelings. Companies would only go under if every employee was bad. Relationships would only end when both partners passed away at the same time. Raindrops would only fall on those who deserved it.

Many of us get caught up in how we wish things were, rather than how they actually are. But accepting reality might be the key to understanding the world and unlocking your full potential.